Category / Real-life Stories

by lostdad

Living alone with a visit from ‘Superwoman’

 

Finding a new flat was a dreadful experience. A single man nearing 50 years old looking at flats along with people in their 30s. The looks I got. Nevertheless I found a small flat (50m2) about 5 minutes drive from my old house.

I managed to furnish it with some furniture that I had inherited from my Aunt, some garden furniture, a very small TV from the house (we had two, but she wanted it back after a while!), an old mattress, my PC and the plates and cutlery from my bachelor days that me kept for barbeques. In addition she picked out some towels and sheets for me. I let her keep everything else. When she eventually moved out I asked her for one of the sofas and she kept the rest.

It only had one bedroom so when the children came I slept in the living room. Luckily I profited from the authoritarian regime of my still wife, and there was no real problem putting the boys to bed (7 & 5). Though I learnt quickly to put them to bed at different times, otherwise they would chat together too long.

Jonathan at this time was having a hard time of the split. We were always very close, and it hurt me to see him suffering this way. He used to wake up in the middle of the night and creep into my ‘bed’ (blow-up mattress). I stopped this after a while as it wasn’t good for him, and also with his restless legs I couldn’t get a wink of sleep!  Nevertheless, when he came I gave him a hug and a cuddle before taking him back to his own bed. Raffi was still only 5 and really had not really grasped what was going on.

The boys were with me every other weekend, and during the week on a regular basis,  they enjoyed it. I still took them to their favourite play areas, on day trips (especially the Salzbergwerk in Austria, where they dressed up as little miners before taking the trip down into the salt mines), and also just chilling in the garden.

After a while I thought it might be a good idea to get a bunk bed for the boys. I always regarded the flat as a temporary measure, so having a bunk bed in my bedroom didn’t pose a problem. I asked my wife if I could borrow the Zafira to go and buy the bed. She refused but offered to buy the bed on my behalf, as long as she got the money. Strange I thought. As if I would ‘steal’ my own car. But as I found out her lover was going through a very bad divorce – could he be responsible for the excessive lack of trust?

Anyway, she toddled off and bought the bunk bed at IKEA, and I got a phone call while I was out in the garden with the children that she was at the front of the house with the bed. The children wanted to see her, so we all went out to the front of the house to meet her.

She wasn’t there.

Instead there was an IKEA flat pack bunk bed in perfect condition on the pavement. Yes in the middle of the bloody pavement.

We looked for her but she was gone, what do we do now I thought?  I tried to drag the package but failed miserably. No wonder, according to the IKEA web-site it weighs around 60kg. So I asked the boys to help, we opened the package and brought the bits in piece by piece until the flat pack was light enough to move. The boys loved the action, especially as it was their bed. I was somewhat p****d off, especially after the fourth person had passed by giving me a dirty stare because I had the effrontery to block his way.

I rang her and asked what the hell was going on, she said she managed it all by herself without scuffing the packaging – The first of many lies I was to hear.  For a while thereafter I started calling her ‘Superwoman’ – I don’t think she got the sarcasm.

Loss of empathy is an important part of parental alienation. Be aware when it happens.

 

© lostdad 2017, all rights reserved

 

by lostdad

False accusations

When the decision is made to split it can be amicable, or not.

It is not uncommon that one party makes false accusations about the other. In my case, as with other fathers this happened as well. Even as we had three long months together before I had my own flat. I found out what she was saying, and more’s the point what she is still saying in front of my children.

All of a sudden I had turned overnight into a violent alcoholic that beats his wife and even found time to be a serial adulterer. It was so unbelievable that even my then mother-in-law rang me to say she didn’t believe any of it. Most people thankfully didn’t.

So, let’s pick the allegations apart then, just for the record: Nobody had even seen me drunk apart from at my stag night (and perhaps a couple of Oktoberfest visits – I do live in Munich after all), and Karola (her still best friend and my ‘informant’) supported me in our circle of friends and colleagues by saying that my wife had never mentioned that I was violent. And finally to be frank  a balding glasses wearing lanky git from the North-West of England with ears that would make Prince Charles nod in approval is not going to land the girls is he now!

In fact the allegations bordered on the incredulous when I was actually being blamed for the fact that she had an affair. An interesting if not uncommon form of argumentation that supports the narrative that the failure of the marriage was the fault of the person who was not unfaithful. She had to do it to break out! And this becomes part of the history passed onto the children, instead of what it was: a marriage about to break down due to ‘irreconcilable differences’, with no real ‘blame’ on either side.

The point here is that this is the point in a relationship that when the common friends make a decision. No matter how ludicrous the allegations are. This choice will also affect the children, and the evolving narrative of the soon to be ex-wife. For instance, when I picked my children up for a weekend years later they told me that Wolfgang and Anke had been visiting my ex-wife immediately prior to my arrival. I asked why they didn’t stay to say hello. I was told by my children “They don’t want to see you”. Naturally an understandable choice on their part of course, but nevertheless a point that they probably didn’t make to the children, but to the mother who gladly passed it on to the children thus supporting her overall narrative of: “Your father is not a good person”.

I had to see that some people I cared for believe these lies, and accept that there is nothing I could really do to change their minds – blood is really thicker than water! But the fact that they would also be (mis)used for the alienation process was something I did not see coming. Two (Klaus and Marianne) even pretended to still be friends in order to pass information back to my wife. But I shouldn’t really complain – My wife’s best friend came over to the ‘dark side’ and saved me from doing something stupid and quite literally acted as a telephone hotline in times of distress for years afterwards.

You will lose some friends, but ask yourself if they really were friends anyway? And no matter what you do, you will not be able to stop your children hearing these lies. The only way to reduce or cancel their effect is to be yourself when you are with your children, so they cannot believe these lies. The problem, of course is when your access is restricted or blocked. Then the children have only one source of information and that is against you.

Welcome to a modern day variant of  Orwell’s ‘Big Brother’.

 

© lostdad 2017, all rights reserved

by lostdad

Telling the Children

 

Any text you read about how to tell the children about the impending split requires that it be handled gently, absolutely no bombshells, and that the introduction of new partners should not happen too suddenly.

Guess what happened.

We were in the conservatory when she asked the children to come in and said simply that I will be moving out – no real reason given that the children (7 & 5) could understand and that was it. No discussion between the parents beforehand – quite simply a bombshell. The children were, of course shocked and quite disturbed. They started to cry because they thought that they would never see me again. I managed to calm them down by saying that I was not moving out immediately and that I would still be in the area. There was no discussion between us beforehand – she decided unilaterally when and how.

Phasing in the future step-father was also too bloody quick. I heard from the children as soon as I moved out that he started to stay in the house as soon as I had moved out. And that the children were required to go into the bedroom and do the ‘wake up the parents’ game in the morning.

You might think this is just bad feelings on my part, but there are ways of doing things to protect the feelings of the children. It also was an indication of how quickly she was trying to replace me. Looking back I should have been more pro-active and discussed the how and when with her. Don’t make the same mistake.

I remember having a steaming argument about the children’s feelings with her when the children were at school – water off a duck’s back. Anyway when she started to provoke me I just left the house.

© lostdad 2017

 

 

by lostdad

What did you do wrong?

As soon as parental alienation ‘takes hold’, and you start talking about it, sooner or later somebody – perhaps someone new to your group of friends, or even an old friend you have reconnected with will ask you this question – “What did you do wrong?”

The answer is of course in most cases simple – nothing. But what do you say to actually bring this across?

This happened, and still happens to me every now and then. The person asking usually falls into two camps:

  1. sceptical, and will listen with a view to changing their mind, or
  2. is convinced that you did something to deserve this abuse

Lets take the first case. I have noticed that the majority of people who have an open mind or have had some experience of PAS: either personally, in their circle of friends, or professionally. A good example was Silke a close friend of mine. I have known her the best part of 30 years, though we only reconnected around 5 years ago. She was quite sceptical to my story at the start, but thanks to the fact that my ex-wife used tricks instead of simply blocking, and that Silke was actually there when one trick ‘arrived’ per email (More in a later story) she started slowly to believe that my ex-wife was the source of the problem. It also helped that I was able to explain how the tricks functioned without recourse to insulting my ex-wife with the help of lots and lots of naughty words. A main factor was also the fact that she is a secondary school teacher, and told me that she has heard quite a few cases of PAS in her career. I personally think the key is to focus on the tricks, rather than the big picture.

The second case is a little bit of a problem and needs to be dealt with very carefully. A lot of people are not aware PAS even exists, and cannot comprehend that a parent would do something like that, or more importantly that a child is capable of being brainwashed to such an extent that they can deny one of the own parents. I have had this conversation so often, and always left it with the feeling that that person doesn’t trust me as far as they could throw me (I have put on some weight – but the the answer is still not too far!). I have come to the conclusion several years down the line that it is a sensible approach to assess someone before you bring PAS and estranged children into the conversation.

So the takeaway here is – be careful of who you tell your story to. Even those that like you need time to process it. Others will not even try.

It is also worth bearing in mind that even I took a while to see this all for what it was – emotional abuse directed against my children and myself. For those with no direct experience, this is sometimes a paradigm shift too far!

A last point (promise) is that I personally feel that for those of us that have lost contact with our children through no fault of own should tell their story. Only when enough people are telling their experiences, and bringing PAS into the public view will this dreadful crime (it isn’t anything else) gain the visibility it needs to be discussed in the public arena and for something to be done about it.

 

© lostdad 2017

by lostdad

The Power of Friends and Family

At the start of parental alienation, even before you are aware of it even existing, do not try to cope with this alone.

When I was splitting up the situation was so subliminally toxic (i.e. I didn’t realise in what a sh*t situation I was in) that I needed to talk often, practically daily just to try and understand what was going on. The only family I had were my sons, then 7 & 5 which of course I couldn’t talk to, so I turned to my friends that were absolutely amazing. I cannot remember a time when they turned me away on the phone, or said that I was getting on their nerves.

What everyone needs in this situation is a personal support network, not only groups of like-minded people but also friends available practically 24/7.

One point I would like to make here is that you are, surprise surprise not always right!  I remember back to my time that I was fighting the good fight, and I had fairness and justice on my side. That empowered me to perhaps write the odd e-mail I should not have (nothing nasty – not my style), perhaps reacted more sternly than I should have and more. The point is that friends and groups are there to help, they listen and give advice – take it!

To use a well-worn phrase one “Cannot see the wood for trees”. Somebody looking in from the outside can see the big picture and can give you better advice than you can give yourself.

Incidentally, if your ex is of the narcissistic variety then she will just do whatever she thinks is right without taking any advice. Which means logical arguments from you will not make the slightest bit of difference if it is against their way of doing things – for instance bringing up the children, splitting the household after the split etc.

If you are alone, or your friends are of the type “There but for the grace of God go I” type, then find some selp-help groups. Both in the UK and Germany there is help to be had.

So use your support network, take their advice. Learn that is it sometimes necessary to do follow someone else’s advice or just simply do nothing.

by lostdad

Another Birthday

Another Birthday, this time my eldest son, Jonathan who will be 15. It doesn’t seem 15 years ago since I was in the delivery room, waiting for you to arrive, and the overwhelming feelings that overcame me when I saw you for the first time.

I try not to think of all the things I could have taught you, and conversely you could have taught me – it hurts too much

I just hope that at some point in time you will see that I never stopped loving you, and hoping that all was well with you.

Wherever you are, whatever you are doing Jonathan, my thoughts, feelings and wishes for a wonderful day are with you.

Never give up

© lostdad 2017

 

by lostdad

No Money No Driving Licence

Here’s a good one from the summer!  You will have to google translate it though. Normally the call is of the form “No access No money”.

The centre-left partner of Germany (SPD), which is in the governing coalition with Angela Merkel (CDU) provides the Justice Minister, Family & Women Minister and the Deputy Chancellor positions has come up with an idea that all three of them support and wish to pass into law – as if they haven’t got anything better to do  with their time.

If a father refuses to pay child maintenance, then he should have his driving licence suspended until he pays. <cue sarcasm>Well this is really going to help him paying back the isn’t it!

Yes we all should pay our child maintenance. But there is already an ‘excellent’ mechanism in place in Germany. If a parent does not pay the right amount a judge decides based on what is being earned. If the parent doesn’t pay then he orders that a Titel be obtained. This is an official order that gives the custodial parent the right to go to a court appointed bailiff and have all accounts of the other parent blocked, as well as his wages at his/her place of work!  No real need for any additional sanctions.

Note that applying to the judge to settle these matters gets you an appointment in court much much quicker than anything to do with visiting rights or custody. What a surprise eh?

P.S. Who is for a law that requires the absent parent to receive a regular breakdown of what the custodial parent spends the child maintenance on? Just kidding – that will never happen in my lifetime at least!

Ref.: Article in die Zeit

 

by lostdad

Provocation – avoid at all costs

So you are probably thinking why does this have anything to do with parental alienation, especially when I say that I mean avoiding it preferably before the split with your partner.

The roots for parental alienation can be set even before the split finally occurs – every argument and altercation (or worse) will be remembered and never forgotten if it shows you in a negative light. Especially if the children are witnesses.

I certainly was a person that went out of their way to avoid arguments or heated discussions, because at the end they just didn’t bring anything. We needed professional help, and my wife refused point blank to support this idea. So there were no arguments in front of the children that could be used against me later in a court, or something nasty about me that the kids could just about remember. In short there was no dirt.

My problem started when we decided to split and we made the (bad) decision for me to stay in the house until I found a flat in the area. This took three months, and to say that the atmosphere was getting bad could be classed as the typical English understatement. She was (as other soon-to-be ex-partners) at the zenith of her power, and was not afraid of using it. Her plan (as I found out later – see below) was to provoke me into doing something violent in front of the children, and with that she could have me banned from the house, and she would also something thing on record for court cases later on (This is a known tactic in Germany, probably worldwide). So started dropping phrases when the children were nearby that she thought were guaranteed to bring me to be violent against her.

“Wenn er mich küsst, höre ich auf zu atmen” When he kisses me, I stop breathing.

Sitting at the breakfast table with my youngest, and he asks “When are we going to fly to England Daddy”, and she pipes in with “You don’t need that, Martin (her lover) will take you for a ‘ride’ in his glider”.

Or asking me to make a bank transfer on-line for her (She doesn’t believe in computers!) to her lover for a present she bought on-line!

Telling me that her lover can take over the education of our children, when they have questions about their homework.

Thankfully my wife’s best friend had been in fact supporting me for several months now (before the split), and while not only telling me what she was planning also gave me some of the best advice I have had in my live:

“If she provokes you – leave the room“.

I followed this advice religiously, and I now pass this on. Without any written documentation of domestic abuse – it will be hard(er) for your ex-partner to later prove that you are violent, and consequently should not have access to your children.

 

Incidentally, there was a high point where even though I was emotionally and physically wasted (I weighed 55 kg at this point), Karola – her best friend, had even told me that my wife had mentioned to her how the first sex with her lover went – well let’s say that Mr Richter was not in any way involved, and the earth didn’t move. So when she sat next to me on the sofa and said “Er befriedigt mich” (he satisfies me sexually), I had to leave the room not because there was a fear of hitting her, but for fear of breaking out into a grin that would have upset the Cheshire Cat. But nevertheless, something like that is a body blow to any man, and also a comment that was designed to illicit a violent response.

So the point of this post is – If your ex-partner starts to provoke you in front of the children – leave the room.

 

by lostdad

A few words to start with

Before I start writing my set of articles  I think it might be a good idea to provide a bit of background, introduce the actors, and more importantly why I am doing this.

It is very difficult to start writing about this, especially directly after that time of the year that is the most precious to those with children. But I believe it is quite important for various reasons to document what has happened. I have read dozens of blogs and books on the subject of parental alienation in the last seven years and several things have occurred to me:

  • Some books are written practically as a diary, detailing the court cases, meetings with social services, but no real details of how it happened.
  • Quite a few focus on the (in some countries) inequitable level of child maintenance.
  • There lots of scientific articles that describe how to detect it, and in general terms how it occurs

But practically none have come up with examples that show how children over time come to hate one of their parents. Because although people know this happens, they cannot imagine how it can happen – that is apart from the obvious cases of a parent shielding their child from the absent parent. I will try to show through my personal experience how this can happen, slowly over time, maliciously using every trick possible. In a concerted effort to eradicate the absent parent from the lives of the children. Where possible I will also try to mention where I went wrong, and give tips on what not to do (for example let yourself be provoked).

My major hope is that I can somehow show to others not affected directly that this is done with malice aforethought and accepting the collateral damage that goes with the actions taken. My wish is that people will see this for what it is – a campaign of emotional abuse over years directed against the absent parent and the consequent emotional abuse of the children, especially when those children become adults and are able to make up their own minds as to what happened as they were children.

So a little background about me. I was born 53 years ago to working class parents in the north-west of England. I somehow managed to get enough grades to study at university and spent as part of that study a year working in Holland. Once I graduated I managed to get back to the continent and was seconded to work in one of the most beautiful cities in Europe – Munich. It took several me several years and some girlfriends (!) to finally find my future wife – she worked as the team secretary where I worked. After a year I bought a flat and we moved in together, where two years later the first of our sons – Jonathan arrived, followed by Raphael two years later. My then wife is very much a control person, and this pattern came out with our sons. I had to fit in with her way of doing things. No real discussion. It is hard to say when the rot started to manifest itself in our marriage, but we drifted slowly apart – neither to blame just two different ways of ‘being’. The older the children became, the more I did not agree with her extremely authoritarian way of parenting. I certainly am more easy going, and to judge from my step-son (more about that later) it is not wrong. When my eldest son was six years old I moved into the spare room. The marriage had broken down, but she refused point blank to go to a therapist, and with a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach regarding what would happen viz-a-viz the children if I did move out and a heavy mortgage I stayed.

It is hard to say when the rot started to manifest itself in our marriage, but we drifted slowly apart – neither to blame just two different ways of ‘being’. The older the children became, the more I did not agree with her extremely authoritarian way of parenting. I certainly am more easy going, and to judge from my step-son (more about that later) my approach is not wrong. When my eldest son was six years old I moved into the spare room. The marriage had broken down, but she refused point blank to go to a therapist, and with a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach regarding what would happen viz-a-viz the children if I did move out and a heavy mortgage I stayed.

Then came what had to happen – one of us found somebody else. The first boyfriend of my wife started stalking her family to find out her current address and eventually he got in touch with her. It turned into an affair, that led to the end of a loveless marriage. Both of us to blame – if somebody wants to apportion blame. I moved out in June 2009. She stayed in the house, with me paying the mortgage as well as a flat nearby so I could see the kids. It worked fairly well. I saw them every other weekend, and during the week as well. The break happened when in January 2010 she moved to Eichstätt, north of Ingolstadt. Funnily enough exactly the same distance away from her workplace as before – but far enough away as to make things difficult for me. The first letter from her lawyers arrived in January that year, where she was ‘allowing me to ring’ the children twice a month.

This was the start, and it has been going downhill from thereon in.

I remarried in 2015, and have been with my new wife and her son Felix (now 8) for three years now. I am happy, but I still miss the contact with my own children terribly. I feel as do all excluded parents, as if there is something missing in my soul.

I never wanted to take the children away from her, all I wanted was a regular access every two to three weeks. What she has orchestrated was so unnecessary for all of us, and her acts of abuse will remain with myself and my children for the rest of our lives.

© lost dad 2017

by lostdad

A Birthday

On Monday it will be my youngest sons 13th birthday. Why do I have a problem writing a birthday card for him?

Because it isn’t right.

I should not be thinking about what to write on his card. I should be congratulating him personally, by phone or facetime/skype.

One of the many facets of parental alienation. Nevertheless I shall be thinking of you my son.

Never give up.