Again, based on personal experience and has no relation to the work of practising members of the psychology profession!
I have been intimately involved in parental alienation for several years now. I have researched the hell out of it, and since the start of this blog at the start of the year I have also come across dozens more cases, some with their own blog, others through my twitter feed.
Well after several years of having to deal with this I have a theory. It probably will be shot down by any practising psychologist within a three-kilometer radius but here goes…
The problem with downright lying is that it is hard to reproduce. I mean we have all seen those crime series on TV, where the same questions are asked time and time again, sometimes from several angles to try and catch the perpetrator out. Well, there is a reason for this. If you make it up completely – I mean Pinocchio level lying, then it never happened, so how do you actually remember it? It is difficult, and some can do it, even maintaining the framework of several lies.
I was reading this report today on transparency about a father that brought a case of Parental Alienation against his wife with respect to his two boys. The analysis of the case by the superbly independent Transparency Group showed that he was probably to blame for his actions, and ultimately the fact that he did not allow himself to reconsider the ramifications of his actions, or show any empathy for the circumstances which effectively caused the situation that now existed.
I read this report three times, and as always I drifted off in contemplation. All sorts of questions came to mind: Did I cause my own situation? I am to blame? Am I possessed with blaming my ex-wife and her new husband for something that is ultimately down to me?
This is potentially one of the most important decisions that you will make if custody becomes contested or access starts being violated.
I cannot stress this more strongly.
I, unfortunately, went on a recommendation and landed a lawyer that just reacted. We cannot in the main expect lawyers to be pro-active, after all, they have other clients. But I now expect a lawyer to be pro-active in so far as they suggest different courses of action leading to a pre-defined and agreed goal.
I have just finished watching one of my favourite films. “The Day the Earth Caught Fire” about when the effects of two nuclear weapons tests result in the Earth being pushed slowly towards the sun.
In the film there is a not insignificant scene where one of the reporters of the Daily Express meets up with his ex-wife and his child. The impression given is that the mother, in this case, is ‘allowing’ him to see his child. A similar situation to some custody situations now.
I have just got the school report card from my youngest (13). German law requires that I get this along with a report on how the children are doing. My ex-wife has managed to distill this down to a few legally acceptable lines, as I have reported before!
What is interesting are the marks for English and French. Just a quick reminder: I live in Germany, my Ex-wife is German, and never had any interest in speaking English, only French. Until the final break with the children, I always spoke English to them.