So you are probably thinking why does this have anything to do with parental alienation, especially when I say that I mean avoiding it preferably before the split with your partner.

The roots for parental alienation can be set even before the split finally occurs – every argument and altercation (or worse) will be remembered and never forgotten if it shows you in a negative light. Especially if the children are witnesses.

I certainly was a person that went out of their way to avoid arguments or heated discussions, because at the end they just didn’t bring anything. We needed professional help, and my wife refused point blank to support this idea. So there were no arguments in front of the children that could be used against me later in a court, or something nasty about me that the kids could just about remember. In short there was no dirt.

My problem started when we decided to split and we made the (bad) decision for me to stay in the house until I found a flat in the area. This took three months, and to say that the atmosphere was getting bad could be classed as the typical English understatement. She was (as other soon-to-be ex-partners) at the zenith of her power, and was not afraid of using it. Her plan (as I found out later – see below) was to provoke me into doing something violent in front of the children, and with that she could have me banned from the house, and she would also something thing on record for court cases later on (This is a known tactic in Germany, probably worldwide). So started dropping phrases when the children were nearby that she thought were guaranteed to bring me to be violent against her.

“Wenn er mich küsst, höre ich auf zu atmen” When he kisses me, I stop breathing.

Sitting at the breakfast table with my youngest, and he asks “When are we going to fly to England Daddy”, and she pipes in with “You don’t need that, Martin (her lover) will take you for a ‘ride’ in his glider”.

Or asking me to make a bank transfer on-line for her (She doesn’t believe in computers!) to her lover for a present she bought on-line!

Telling me that her lover can take over the education of our children, when they have questions about their homework.

Thankfully my wife’s best friend had been in fact supporting me for several months now (before the split), and while not only telling me what she was planning also gave me some of the best advice I have had in my live:

“If she provokes you – leave the room“.

I followed this advice religiously, and I now pass this on. Without any written documentation of domestic abuse – it will be hard(er) for your ex-partner to later prove that you are violent, and consequently should not have access to your children.

Incidentally, there was a high point where even though I was emotionally and physically wasted (I weighed 55 kg at this point), Karola – her best friend, had even told me that my wife had mentioned to her how the first sex with her lover went – well let’s say that Mr Richter was not in any way involved, and the earth didn’t move. So when she sat next to me on the sofa and said “Er befriedigt mich” (he satisfies me sexually), I had to leave the room not because there was a fear of hitting her, but for fear of breaking out into a grin that would have upset the Cheshire Cat. But nevertheless, something like that is a body blow to any man, and also a comment that was designed to illicit a violent response.

So the point of this post is – If your ex-partner starts to provoke you in front of the children – leave the room.