Tag / Parental Alienation

by lostdad

The Power of Friends and Family

At the start of parental alienation, even before you are aware of it even existing, do not try to cope with this alone.

When I was splitting up the situation was so subliminally toxic (i.e. I didn’t realise in what a sh*t situation I was in) that I needed to talk often, practically daily just to try and understand what was going on. The only family I had were my sons, then 7 & 5 which of course I couldn’t talk to, so I turned to my friends that were absolutely amazing. I cannot remember a time when they turned me away on the phone, or said that I was getting on their nerves.

What everyone needs in this situation is a personal support network, not only groups of like-minded people but also friends available practically 24/7.

One point I would like to make here is that you are, surprise surprise not always right!  I remember back to my time that I was fighting the good fight, and I had fairness and justice on my side. That empowered me to perhaps write the odd e-mail I should not have (nothing nasty – not my style), perhaps reacted more sternly than I should have and more. The point is that friends and groups are there to help, they listen and give advice – take it!

To use a well-worn phrase one “Cannot see the wood for trees”. Somebody looking in from the outside can see the big picture and can give you better advice than you can give yourself.

Incidentally, if your ex is of the narcissistic variety then she will just do whatever she thinks is right without taking any advice. Which means logical arguments from you will not make the slightest bit of difference if it is against their way of doing things – for instance bringing up the children, splitting the household after the split etc.

If you are alone, or your friends are of the type “There but for the grace of God go I” type, then find some selp-help groups. Both in the UK and Germany there is help to be had.

So use your support network, take their advice. Learn that is it sometimes necessary to do follow someone else’s advice or just simply do nothing.

by lostdad

Another Birthday

Another Birthday, this time my eldest son, Jonathan who will be 15. It doesn’t seem 15 years ago since I was in the delivery room, waiting for you to arrive, and the overwhelming feelings that overcame me when I saw you for the first time.

I try not to think of all the things I could have taught you, and conversely you could have taught me – it hurts too much

I just hope that at some point in time you will see that I never stopped loving you, and hoping that all was well with you.

Wherever you are, whatever you are doing Jonathan, my thoughts, feelings and wishes for a wonderful day are with you.

Never give up

© lostdad 2017

 

by lostdad

Kuppinger gegen Deutschland

Excellent article about Bernd Kuppinger that took Germany to the European Court of Human Rights regarding how the courts continually ignored his rights to see his son. When the court eventually came to a decision, they levied a fine of €300 (!!!) against the mother, against the requested €3000. The ECHR decided this was against the European Human Rights Convention. As a consequence, Germany has started to pass legal instruments to be used when a court takes to long to come to a decision.

 

via EGMR Urteil – Vater Kuppinger gegen Deutschland – STRASSBURG 15. Januar 2015 | Familie & Familienrecht

by lostdad

Provocation – avoid at all costs

So you are probably thinking why does this have anything to do with parental alienation, especially when I say that I mean avoiding it preferably before the split with your partner.

The roots for parental alienation can be set even before the split finally occurs – every argument and altercation (or worse) will be remembered and never forgotten if it shows you in a negative light. Especially if the children are witnesses.

I certainly was a person that went out of their way to avoid arguments or heated discussions, because at the end they just didn’t bring anything. We needed professional help, and my wife refused point blank to support this idea. So there were no arguments in front of the children that could be used against me later in a court, or something nasty about me that the kids could just about remember. In short there was no dirt.

My problem started when we decided to split and we made the (bad) decision for me to stay in the house until I found a flat in the area. This took three months, and to say that the atmosphere was getting bad could be classed as the typical English understatement. She was (as other soon-to-be ex-partners) at the zenith of her power, and was not afraid of using it. Her plan (as I found out later – see below) was to provoke me into doing something violent in front of the children, and with that she could have me banned from the house, and she would also something thing on record for court cases later on (This is a known tactic in Germany, probably worldwide). So started dropping phrases when the children were nearby that she thought were guaranteed to bring me to be violent against her.

“Wenn er mich küsst, höre ich auf zu atmen” When he kisses me, I stop breathing.

Sitting at the breakfast table with my youngest, and he asks “When are we going to fly to England Daddy”, and she pipes in with “You don’t need that, Martin (her lover) will take you for a ‘ride’ in his glider”.

Or asking me to make a bank transfer on-line for her (She doesn’t believe in computers!) to her lover for a present she bought on-line!

Telling me that her lover can take over the education of our children, when they have questions about their homework.

Thankfully my wife’s best friend had been in fact supporting me for several months now (before the split), and while not only telling me what she was planning also gave me some of the best advice I have had in my live:

“If she provokes you – leave the room“.

I followed this advice religiously, and I now pass this on. Without any written documentation of domestic abuse – it will be hard(er) for your ex-partner to later prove that you are violent, and consequently should not have access to your children.

 

Incidentally, there was a high point where even though I was emotionally and physically wasted (I weighed 55 kg at this point), Karola – her best friend, had even told me that my wife had mentioned to her how the first sex with her lover went – well let’s say that Mr Richter was not in any way involved, and the earth didn’t move. So when she sat next to me on the sofa and said “Er befriedigt mich” (he satisfies me sexually), I had to leave the room not because there was a fear of hitting her, but for fear of breaking out into a grin that would have upset the Cheshire Cat. But nevertheless, something like that is a body blow to any man, and also a comment that was designed to illicit a violent response.

So the point of this post is – If your ex-partner starts to provoke you in front of the children – leave the room.

 

by lostdad

How to Hear the Voice of the Alienated Child – Lessons for Family Practitioners.

An excellent start to the year from Karen Woodall:

Welcome to 2017, a year in which we plan to raise the awareness of parental alienation even higher in the UK and in which we will be joining with European colleages to form the first Alienation Practitioner Network in Europe. Later in the year we will be travelling to the United States to undertake a working tour, this is the year that the Family Separation Clinic focuses upon its global contribution to changing the way that parental alienation affects families.

via How to Hear the Voice of the Alienated Child – Lessons for Family Practitioners. | Karen Woodall

by lostdad

A few words to start with

Before I start writing my set of articles  I think it might be a good idea to provide a bit of background, introduce the actors, and more importantly why I am doing this.

It is very difficult to start writing about this, especially directly after that time of the year that is the most precious to those with children. But I believe it is quite important for various reasons to document what has happened. I have read dozens of blogs and books on the subject of parental alienation in the last seven years and several things have occurred to me:

  • Some books are written practically as a diary, detailing the court cases, meetings with social services, but no real details of how it happened.
  • Quite a few focus on the (in some countries) inequitable level of child maintenance.
  • There lots of scientific articles that describe how to detect it, and in general terms how it occurs

But practically none have come up with examples that show how children over time come to hate one of their parents. Because although people know this happens, they cannot imagine how it can happen – that is apart from the obvious cases of a parent shielding their child from the absent parent. I will try to show through my personal experience how this can happen, slowly over time, maliciously using every trick possible. In a concerted effort to eradicate the absent parent from the lives of the children. Where possible I will also try to mention where I went wrong, and give tips on what not to do (for example let yourself be provoked).

My major hope is that I can somehow show to others not affected directly that this is done with malice aforethought and accepting the collateral damage that goes with the actions taken. My wish is that people will see this for what it is – a campaign of emotional abuse over years directed against the absent parent and the consequent emotional abuse of the children, especially when those children become adults and are able to make up their own minds as to what happened as they were children.

So a little background about me. I was born 53 years ago to working class parents in the north-west of England. I somehow managed to get enough grades to study at university and spent as part of that study a year working in Holland. Once I graduated I managed to get back to the continent and was seconded to work in one of the most beautiful cities in Europe – Munich. It took several me several years and some girlfriends (!) to finally find my future wife – she worked as the team secretary where I worked. After a year I bought a flat and we moved in together, where two years later the first of our sons – Jonathan arrived, followed by Raphael two years later. My then wife is very much a control person, and this pattern came out with our sons. I had to fit in with her way of doing things. No real discussion. It is hard to say when the rot started to manifest itself in our marriage, but we drifted slowly apart – neither to blame just two different ways of ‘being’. The older the children became, the more I did not agree with her extremely authoritarian way of parenting. I certainly am more easy going, and to judge from my step-son (more about that later) it is not wrong. When my eldest son was six years old I moved into the spare room. The marriage had broken down, but she refused point blank to go to a therapist, and with a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach regarding what would happen viz-a-viz the children if I did move out and a heavy mortgage I stayed.

It is hard to say when the rot started to manifest itself in our marriage, but we drifted slowly apart – neither to blame just two different ways of ‘being’. The older the children became, the more I did not agree with her extremely authoritarian way of parenting. I certainly am more easy going, and to judge from my step-son (more about that later) my approach is not wrong. When my eldest son was six years old I moved into the spare room. The marriage had broken down, but she refused point blank to go to a therapist, and with a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach regarding what would happen viz-a-viz the children if I did move out and a heavy mortgage I stayed.

Then came what had to happen – one of us found somebody else. The first boyfriend of my wife started stalking her family to find out her current address and eventually he got in touch with her. It turned into an affair, that led to the end of a loveless marriage. Both of us to blame – if somebody wants to apportion blame. I moved out in June 2009. She stayed in the house, with me paying the mortgage as well as a flat nearby so I could see the kids. It worked fairly well. I saw them every other weekend, and during the week as well. The break happened when in January 2010 she moved to Eichstätt, north of Ingolstadt. Funnily enough exactly the same distance away from her workplace as before – but far enough away as to make things difficult for me. The first letter from her lawyers arrived in January that year, where she was ‘allowing me to ring’ the children twice a month.

This was the start, and it has been going downhill from thereon in.

I remarried in 2015, and have been with my new wife and her son Felix (now 8) for three years now. I am happy, but I still miss the contact with my own children terribly. I feel as do all excluded parents, as if there is something missing in my soul.

I never wanted to take the children away from her, all I wanted was a regular access every two to three weeks. What she has orchestrated was so unnecessary for all of us, and her acts of abuse will remain with myself and my children for the rest of our lives.

© lost dad 2017

by lostdad

Parental Alienation – My take

This will be the start of a regular blog series aimed at absent parents – either at the start of a break-up, or at the end of parental alienation, where they are suffering the full weight of their own children not only disowning them, but also despising them.

The series will try to cover most aspects of ongoing or completed parental alienation from a survivors point of view. Planned themes are:

  • What exactly is Parental Alienation?
  • Found your own support group
  • Coping with the “other father”
  • Coming to terms with the environment you are in (Social services, legal etc.)
  • What to tell the children
  • Coming to terms with reality (you are rarely in charge of the situation)
  • Keeping the relationship with your children
  • Do the children return as adults?
  • Your wellbeing, it doesn’t help anyone to give up on yourself
  • When to “give up”, and how it means “never give up”
  • and many more …. I have been through a lot, and read even more on the subject.

I am now in the situation where my children do not want anything of me … “We have a better father than you”. I believe that through these articles I may be able to help those in the same situation. Because the one thing that got me through the actions of my abusive ex-wife are the help and advice of friends and counsellors – and to be frank, anyone that listened, as well as any relevant articles on the internet. So it is time to give something back.

© lost dad 2017