Just putting my tin-foil hat on – finding abuse everywhere

I have just got the school report card from my youngest (13). German law requires that I get this along with a report on how the children are doing. My ex-wife has managed to distill this down to a few legally acceptable lines, as I have reported before!

What is interesting are the marks for English and French. Just a quick reminder: I live in Germany, my Ex-wife is German, and never had any interest in speaking English, only French. Until the final break with the children, I always spoke English to them.

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Parental Alienation: Baiting and Bashing (includes some trains)!

Just a quick post on this pic/statement that appeared on my twitter feed today.

baiting

It is hard to believe that when one is behaving properly, correctly, in control, and holding the moral high ground of somebody that is essentially the victim, that they themselves can become the ‘aggressor’.

Let’s take a practical example out of my past experiences.

I finally got my court order changed to be able to pick up my boys and take them to Munich from Saturday to Sunday the first overnight stay for a year. Just over an hour with the direct train. But there was a problem. My Ex wanted me to go from a smaller station (Eichstätt-Stadt) that feeds into a larger mainline station (Eichstätt-Bahnhof) which would increase the journey by 40 minutes, and even longer for me because to arrive at the scheduled time I would be bound by the times of the train service to the smaller station and arrive 50 minutes before I was due to pick up the kids.

The judge agreed on the transfer point being the mainline station, which is around about the same journey time by car from their house as the other station. i.e. I was not asking them to go out of their way.

Sorry about the long-winded start, but here we go – what happens on the day?  I turn up on time at the court-ordered location – the mainline station.  She isn’t there. Knowing her now I sense what has happened and just wait. Sure enough, she turns up on the slow train from the other station that connects with the mainline service. She gets out with the children and starts raising her voice very loudly at me immediately, in front of at least three dozen other passengers and my children. I remain calm. She escalates, starts shouting and starts to look around for support. I could see the “you bastard” or similar looks in some people’s eyes. She starts talking about additional expenses of the tickets (< €4), anything to keep the situation going. The boys go off to sit and wait and I try to extricate myself, and finally manage it because I didn’t engage with her, and I certainly did not argue the toss.

So now read the graphic again please, and what have we:

  • She managed to make me the villain in the piece even though I followed the court order to the letter.
  • She made my children think that it as well.
  • She turned herself into the victim.
  • Any chance of me being believed in such a context is around zero.

It was her way of saying ‘I do not agree with you taking the kids to Munich (100km) away, you should still visit them here in Eichstätt (Pop. 14,000) and spend just a couple of hours in a coffee shop somewhere instead of quality time with your father at his home’.

There were desserts as well. On bringing them back the mainline train was a whole – wait for it – drumroll please – five minutes late. I sent her a text and she and her boyfriend were waiting. Cue scene and shouting. Demonstrably going to the timetable to see when the train should have arrived, and if I was late there would be trouble. Again the kids were witnessing all of this, as well as her ‘man’ who lamely said ‘We can check on the internet when we get home’.

This was the first time in over a year of lawyers and judges to be able to get the children to visit me in Munich. We had a great time, the memory of which was destroyed in seconds – coincidence?

An exchange of lawyers letters ensued and she yet again managed to circumvent a court order causing me to get a train an hour early just to be at the smaller station in time and causing the children an extra half an hour travelling to Munich. It also meant reducing the time with the children by an hour on the return journey. The effect being not only extending the journey time unnecessarily, but also laying the seeds for it being tedious to go and visit Daddy every time, and the journey is so long and boring, and there are better things to do with your time …

Learning to raise your voice can sometimes have the desired effect regardless of content – unfortunately.

Sorry about all the railway talk (takes off anorak sheepishly).

© 2017 lostdad – all rights reserved

Parental Alienation is more than just child abuse

Last week the chair of Fathers for Justice published an excellent post entitled Parental Alienation is Child Abuse. I say excellent because it provided an understandable overview of what exactly parental alienation is and also how it should be classed as child abuse.

Children are alienated through the abusive conduct of the primary carer who deliberately and cynically attempts to alienate the child in order to deny the other parent contact.

Additionally, the article detailed how in the past actually mentioning or even alluding to ‘parental alienation’ caused that parent to be ‘shot down’ in the courts. Luckily this is now starting to change with the first debate in parliament on parental alienation led by Simon Danczuk on the 15th March this year. Though as Mr Danczuk has been banned for standing under the Labour party banner in the general election this year let’s see if this was a one-shot wonder.

These are all positive developments, PA is starting to become recognised both in the legal system – importantly in the lower courts, and is also becoming known to larger parts of the general public. But I would like to go further.

Parental Alienation is not only child abuse – it is the abuse of the absent parent.

Let’s take a simple case. I was walking through Munich city centre at the weekend with my new wife and my eight-year-old step-son. I passed the Apple store just off Marienplatz, and then it happened as these things always do – I started to think about my children who loved going to the Apple store, or the ‘Daddy Toy Store’ as they called it.  I didn’t cry or have a breakdown, but I did ‘zone out’. I started to think about the children I cannot see, that do not want to see me because of PA. I thought of the good times, what they might be doing now, the memories came flooding back. My wife knows when this happens as I invariably become very quiet, and she gives me a big hug to bring me out. In today’s parlance, I believe what happened is that I was triggered.  I get over it, and I carry on with my new life.

What my ex-partner has done, the situation she has created is abuse – she is emotionally abusing me, and using my only blood relatives as weapons. What she has done has had a profoundly negative effect on not just the life of my children now and in the future, but on my current and future life. This is not right, and for this crime, she will not have to serve time, or even be fined – it is all passively sanctioned by the state.

It is time this type of abuse was recognised, and that steps are taken to stop it.

I am one of the ‘lucky’ ones – I have built up a new life, with new loved ones. But what about those that unfortunately cannot for whatever reason? They are destined to live in a semi-permanent state of being abused, where for some there may only be the ultimate exit.

I still keep hoping that these problems will become known and that they will eventually be addressed. More has happened this year than in any other, and perhaps there will be a time where PA and abuse to children and absent parents will be regarded as what it should be – morally repugnant and simply not done in a civilised society.

Here is the original article – please take the time to have a read.

 

© 2017 lostdad – all rights reserved

 

The second summer

In the first half of 2010 nothing really serious happened. Interestingly enough we both petitioned for divorce on the same day! Her petition arriving a few hours before mine, so she “won”! it went on to take a year to finalise due to sorting out the one mandatory item in a German divorce – no not custody of the children as one would expect – but pension rights.

She proved to be a lot sneakier than last summer. But again – anything to stop the children staying with me for more than a couple of days.

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Logic – Don’t you believe it!

So what about logic, and being logical. Well sometimes it doesn’t occur in nature especially in a ‘high conflict situation’ – for instance where custody is being disputed, and as part of existing custody judgements that are being torpedoed, circumvented and ignored.

What might seem logical – for instance offering to pick the children up a bit earlier so they are not waiting around for 45 minutes for the non-custodial parent to appear is to the custodial parent an excellent chance to disrupt the meeting. In my case simply her bringing the children in the car to another train station the same distance from their home would have saved one leg of the journey, enabled them to join the mainline train going directly to Munich instead of joining a little diddy train that brought them to the mainline train and takes 30 minutes longer. In this way I was being punished (I had the little diddy train and waiting twice!) and the kids had a lasting impression that meeting Daddy was ‘hassle’. i.e. instil a little bit of negative into the meetings.

I am reminded of the scene in Monty Pythons Holy Grail where a professor of logic (played by John Cleese) tries to explain his wife’s logic:

Good evening. The last scene was interesting from the point of view of a professional logician because it contained a number of logical fallacies; that is, invalid propositional constructions and syllogistic forms, of the type so often committed by my wife.

‘All wood burns,’ states Sir Bedevere. ‘Therefore,’ he concludes, ‘all that burns is wood.’ This is, of course, pure bullshit. Universal affirmatives can only be partially converted: all of Alma Cogan is dead, but only some of the class of dead people are Alma Cogan. ‘Oh yes,’ one would think. However, my wife does not understand this necessary limitation of the conversion of a proposition; consequently, she does not understand me, for how can a woman expect to appreciate a professor of logic, if the simplest cloth-eared syllogism causes her to flounder?

For example, given the premise, ‘all fish live underwater’ and ‘all mackerel are fish’, my wife will conclude, not that ‘all mackerel live underwater’, but that ‘if she buys kippers it will not rain’, or that ‘trout live in trees’, or even that ‘I do not love her any more.’ This she calls ‘using her intuition’. I call it ‘crap’, and it gets me very irritated because it is not logical. ‘There will be no supper tonight,’ she will sometimes cry upon my return home. ‘Why not?’ I will ask. ‘Because I have been screwing the milkman all day,’ she will say, quite oblivious of the howling error she has made. ‘But,’ I will wearily point out, ‘even given that the activities of screwing the milkman and getting supper are mutually exclusive, now that the screwing is over, surely then, supper may now, logically, be got.’ ‘You don’t love me any more,’ she will now often postulate. ‘If you did, you would give me one now and again, so that I would not have to rely on the Milkman for my orgasms.’ ‘I will give you one after you have got me my supper,’ I now usually scream, ‘but not before’– as you understand, making her bang contingent on the arrival of my supper. ‘God, you turn me on when you’re angry, you ancient brute!’ she now mysteriously deduces, forcing her sweetly throbbing tongue down my throat. ‘F**k supper!’ I now invariably conclude, throwing logic somewhat joyously to the four winds, and so we thrash about on our milk-stained floor, transported by animal passion, until we sink back, exhausted, onto the cartons of yogurt.

I’m afraid I seem to have strayed somewhat from my original brief. But in a nutshell: sex is more fun than logic. One cannot prove this, but it ‘is’ in the same sense that Mount Everest ‘is’, or that Alma Cogan ‘isn’t’.

A little bit long, but the gist is – accept it because it cannot be explained. And there is no way of forcing any form of acceptance of a ‘better way’ no matter how logical and beneficial to the children it might be.

Another example from real-life that none, and I mean none of my friends or acquaintances can understand is: The concept that having the kids over for the weekend means a weekend ‘off’ for the custodial parent – time for whatever they want!  Certainly, all the parents I know would give their eye-teeth for a day without the children for any number of reasons – primarily to rekindle the relationship – become lovers again, or do some DIY without any hindrances – anything really, instead of being only just parents. I know some of you will think I am selfish, but a successful family is a well-balanced family.

I’ll finish off with another logic quote – this time from ‘Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy’

“I refuse to prove that I exist,” says God, “for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing.”

“But,” says Man, “the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn’t it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves that you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don’t. QED”

“Oh dear,” says God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.

“Oh, that was easy,” says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets himself killed on the next zebra crossing.

 © lostdad 2017 – all rights reserved

The 24 hour rule

So what on earth is this?

This is a mechanism that I would like to recommend – It has saved me from doing something rash and stupid more times than I can remember.

Practically from the start my soon-to-be ex-wife was provoking me in e-mails and generally being antagonistic. I tried not to be the same but I am only human, and there is only so much goading that one can take without giving in kind. I am talking here about e-mail and telephone contact by the way. Not physical contact.

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The importance of bonding – keeping in touch

Even if you or your soon-to-be ex-partner do not move away then keeping in touch with the children is of paramount importance.

Bonding with the children is a continuing process that requires continual contact. Finding out how they are doing, what they are doing etc. – all in a way that is natural and unforced.

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