Tag / Emotional Abuse

by lostdad

The first summer

Even though I had split up from my wife I was happy it was over, and was enjoying deepening my relationship with my children without her influence.

I had planned to take them to the UK, show them the land of their father, but of course my wife put a dampener on that by not letting me know exactly when I would have the children. In the end I had them for two weeks and enjoyed every minute of it. It was a wonderful summer as far as the weather was concerned, and we spent quite a bit of time outside in the garden, or at the Spielplatz nearby. I wanted to have them for the full two weeks, but Iris decided that it would be “Too much for me”, and she took them “for me” on the middle weekend. Another lie, they went to her lover’s flat for the weekend! This was the time that Jonathan refused to go back to his mother after a visit. It broke my heart to effectively force him to go back to his mother.

We did eventually get abroad though – Austria!

We took the train from Munich to Salzburg and spent the day there. Some of my initial ideas for going to another country – to show them that other languages are spoken outside of Germany, and that learning English is a good idea, were taken on in a small way in that Raffi was asking me what language they speak in Salzburg – He understood it was a heavy dialect was after that. I remember they were also enthralled by the fact that the buses in Salzburg were powered by overhead pylons, and we also enjoyed the visit to the castle and especially the ride down from the castle on the funicular railway.

Having a meal at the end of the day, I said I was sad that we couldn’t go fly to England, Raffi mentioned “Mami doesn’t want us to fly anywhere with you“. Looking back on this as I write I should have become aware of what she was planning a damn sight earlier.

This also took on additional context as she later accused me  in front of the Judge of wanting to kidnap my children to somewhere they would never be found – The United Kingdom, home of the CCTV!

Parental Alienation starts earlier than you can possibly imagine – it doesn’t even have a name at this stage!

 

© 2017 lostdad, all rights reserved

by lostdad

‘I witnessed abominable prejudice and abuse in the family courts. I had to keep fighting for my kids’

Here’s a excellent real-life story from Ireland showing how quickly everything can go wrong through no fault of the abused parent.

This story however did have a “happy end”. He was able to see his children again.

 

 

via ‘I witnessed abominable prejudice and abuse in the family courts. I had to keep fighting for my kids’

by lostdad

Living alone with a visit from ‘Superwoman’

 

Finding a new flat was a dreadful experience. A single man nearing 50 years old looking at flats along with people in their 30s. The looks I got. Nevertheless I found a small flat (50m2) about 5 minutes drive from my old house.

I managed to furnish it with some furniture that I had inherited from my Aunt, some garden furniture, a very small TV from the house (we had two, but she wanted it back after a while!), an old mattress, my PC and the plates and cutlery from my bachelor days that me kept for barbeques. In addition she picked out some towels and sheets for me. I let her keep everything else. When she eventually moved out I asked her for one of the sofas and she kept the rest.

It only had one bedroom so when the children came I slept in the living room. Luckily I profited from the authoritarian regime of my still wife, and there was no real problem putting the boys to bed (7 & 5). Though I learnt quickly to put them to bed at different times, otherwise they would chat together too long.

Jonathan at this time was having a hard time of the split. We were always very close, and it hurt me to see him suffering this way. He used to wake up in the middle of the night and creep into my ‘bed’ (blow-up mattress). I stopped this after a while as it wasn’t good for him, and also with his restless legs I couldn’t get a wink of sleep!  Nevertheless, when he came I gave him a hug and a cuddle before taking him back to his own bed. Raffi was still only 5 and really had not really grasped what was going on.

The boys were with me every other weekend, and during the week on a regular basis,  they enjoyed it. I still took them to their favourite play areas, on day trips (especially the Salzbergwerk in Austria, where they dressed up as little miners before taking the trip down into the salt mines), and also just chilling in the garden.

After a while I thought it might be a good idea to get a bunk bed for the boys. I always regarded the flat as a temporary measure, so having a bunk bed in my bedroom didn’t pose a problem. I asked my wife if I could borrow the Zafira to go and buy the bed. She refused but offered to buy the bed on my behalf, as long as she got the money. Strange I thought. As if I would ‘steal’ my own car. But as I found out her lover was going through a very bad divorce – could he be responsible for the excessive lack of trust?

Anyway, she toddled off and bought the bunk bed at IKEA, and I got a phone call while I was out in the garden with the children that she was at the front of the house with the bed. The children wanted to see her, so we all went out to the front of the house to meet her.

She wasn’t there.

Instead there was an IKEA flat pack bunk bed in perfect condition on the pavement. Yes in the middle of the bloody pavement.

We looked for her but she was gone, what do we do now I thought?  I tried to drag the package but failed miserably. No wonder, according to the IKEA web-site it weighs around 60kg. So I asked the boys to help, we opened the package and brought the bits in piece by piece until the flat pack was light enough to move. The boys loved the action, especially as it was their bed. I was somewhat p****d off, especially after the fourth person had passed by giving me a dirty stare because I had the effrontery to block his way.

I rang her and asked what the hell was going on, she said she managed it all by herself without scuffing the packaging – The first of many lies I was to hear.  For a while thereafter I started calling her ‘Superwoman’ – I don’t think she got the sarcasm.

Loss of empathy is an important part of parental alienation. Be aware when it happens.

 

© lostdad 2017, all rights reserved

 

by lostdad

Telling the Children

 

Any text you read about how to tell the children about the impending split requires that it be handled gently, absolutely no bombshells, and that the introduction of new partners should not happen too suddenly.

Guess what happened.

We were in the conservatory when she asked the children to come in and said simply that I will be moving out – no real reason given that the children (7 & 5) could understand and that was it. No discussion between the parents beforehand – quite simply a bombshell. The children were, of course shocked and quite disturbed. They started to cry because they thought that they would never see me again. I managed to calm them down by saying that I was not moving out immediately and that I would still be in the area. There was no discussion between us beforehand – she decided unilaterally when and how.

Phasing in the future step-father was also too bloody quick. I heard from the children as soon as I moved out that he started to stay in the house as soon as I had moved out. And that the children were required to go into the bedroom and do the ‘wake up the parents’ game in the morning.

You might think this is just bad feelings on my part, but there are ways of doing things to protect the feelings of the children. It also was an indication of how quickly she was trying to replace me. Looking back I should have been more pro-active and discussed the how and when with her. Don’t make the same mistake.

I remember having a steaming argument about the children’s feelings with her when the children were at school – water off a duck’s back. Anyway when she started to provoke me I just left the house.

© lostdad 2017

 

 

by lostdad

Provocation – avoid at all costs

So you are probably thinking why does this have anything to do with parental alienation, especially when I say that I mean avoiding it preferably before the split with your partner.

The roots for parental alienation can be set even before the split finally occurs – every argument and altercation (or worse) will be remembered and never forgotten if it shows you in a negative light. Especially if the children are witnesses.

I certainly was a person that went out of their way to avoid arguments or heated discussions, because at the end they just didn’t bring anything. We needed professional help, and my wife refused point blank to support this idea. So there were no arguments in front of the children that could be used against me later in a court, or something nasty about me that the kids could just about remember. In short there was no dirt.

My problem started when we decided to split and we made the (bad) decision for me to stay in the house until I found a flat in the area. This took three months, and to say that the atmosphere was getting bad could be classed as the typical English understatement. She was (as other soon-to-be ex-partners) at the zenith of her power, and was not afraid of using it. Her plan (as I found out later – see below) was to provoke me into doing something violent in front of the children, and with that she could have me banned from the house, and she would also something thing on record for court cases later on (This is a known tactic in Germany, probably worldwide). So started dropping phrases when the children were nearby that she thought were guaranteed to bring me to be violent against her.

“Wenn er mich küsst, höre ich auf zu atmen” When he kisses me, I stop breathing.

Sitting at the breakfast table with my youngest, and he asks “When are we going to fly to England Daddy”, and she pipes in with “You don’t need that, Martin (her lover) will take you for a ‘ride’ in his glider”.

Or asking me to make a bank transfer on-line for her (She doesn’t believe in computers!) to her lover for a present she bought on-line!

Telling me that her lover can take over the education of our children, when they have questions about their homework.

Thankfully my wife’s best friend had been in fact supporting me for several months now (before the split), and while not only telling me what she was planning also gave me some of the best advice I have had in my live:

“If she provokes you – leave the room“.

I followed this advice religiously, and I now pass this on. Without any written documentation of domestic abuse – it will be hard(er) for your ex-partner to later prove that you are violent, and consequently should not have access to your children.

 

Incidentally, there was a high point where even though I was emotionally and physically wasted (I weighed 55 kg at this point), Karola – her best friend, had even told me that my wife had mentioned to her how the first sex with her lover went – well let’s say that Mr Richter was not in any way involved, and the earth didn’t move. So when she sat next to me on the sofa and said “Er befriedigt mich” (he satisfies me sexually), I had to leave the room not because there was a fear of hitting her, but for fear of breaking out into a grin that would have upset the Cheshire Cat. But nevertheless, something like that is a body blow to any man, and also a comment that was designed to illicit a violent response.

So the point of this post is – If your ex-partner starts to provoke you in front of the children – leave the room.

 

by lostdad

How to Hear the Voice of the Alienated Child – Lessons for Family Practitioners.

An excellent start to the year from Karen Woodall:

Welcome to 2017, a year in which we plan to raise the awareness of parental alienation even higher in the UK and in which we will be joining with European colleages to form the first Alienation Practitioner Network in Europe. Later in the year we will be travelling to the United States to undertake a working tour, this is the year that the Family Separation Clinic focuses upon its global contribution to changing the way that parental alienation affects families.

via How to Hear the Voice of the Alienated Child – Lessons for Family Practitioners. | Karen Woodall

by lostdad

A few words to start with

Before I start writing my set of articles  I think it might be a good idea to provide a bit of background, introduce the actors, and more importantly why I am doing this.

It is very difficult to start writing about this, especially directly after that time of the year that is the most precious to those with children. But I believe it is quite important for various reasons to document what has happened. I have read dozens of blogs and books on the subject of parental alienation in the last seven years and several things have occurred to me:

  • Some books are written practically as a diary, detailing the court cases, meetings with social services, but no real details of how it happened.
  • Quite a few focus on the (in some countries) inequitable level of child maintenance.
  • There lots of scientific articles that describe how to detect it, and in general terms how it occurs

But practically none have come up with examples that show how children over time come to hate one of their parents. Because although people know this happens, they cannot imagine how it can happen – that is apart from the obvious cases of a parent shielding their child from the absent parent. I will try to show through my personal experience how this can happen, slowly over time, maliciously using every trick possible. In a concerted effort to eradicate the absent parent from the lives of the children. Where possible I will also try to mention where I went wrong, and give tips on what not to do (for example let yourself be provoked).

My major hope is that I can somehow show to others not affected directly that this is done with malice aforethought and accepting the collateral damage that goes with the actions taken. My wish is that people will see this for what it is – a campaign of emotional abuse over years directed against the absent parent and the consequent emotional abuse of the children, especially when those children become adults and are able to make up their own minds as to what happened as they were children.

So a little background about me. I was born 53 years ago to working class parents in the north-west of England. I somehow managed to get enough grades to study at university and spent as part of that study a year working in Holland. Once I graduated I managed to get back to the continent and was seconded to work in one of the most beautiful cities in Europe – Munich. It took several me several years and some girlfriends (!) to finally find my future wife – she worked as the team secretary where I worked. After a year I bought a flat and we moved in together, where two years later the first of our sons – Jonathan arrived, followed by Raphael two years later. My then wife is very much a control person, and this pattern came out with our sons. I had to fit in with her way of doing things. No real discussion. It is hard to say when the rot started to manifest itself in our marriage, but we drifted slowly apart – neither to blame just two different ways of ‘being’. The older the children became, the more I did not agree with her extremely authoritarian way of parenting. I certainly am more easy going, and to judge from my step-son (more about that later) it is not wrong. When my eldest son was six years old I moved into the spare room. The marriage had broken down, but she refused point blank to go to a therapist, and with a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach regarding what would happen viz-a-viz the children if I did move out and a heavy mortgage I stayed.

It is hard to say when the rot started to manifest itself in our marriage, but we drifted slowly apart – neither to blame just two different ways of ‘being’. The older the children became, the more I did not agree with her extremely authoritarian way of parenting. I certainly am more easy going, and to judge from my step-son (more about that later) my approach is not wrong. When my eldest son was six years old I moved into the spare room. The marriage had broken down, but she refused point blank to go to a therapist, and with a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach regarding what would happen viz-a-viz the children if I did move out and a heavy mortgage I stayed.

Then came what had to happen – one of us found somebody else. The first boyfriend of my wife started stalking her family to find out her current address and eventually he got in touch with her. It turned into an affair, that led to the end of a loveless marriage. Both of us to blame – if somebody wants to apportion blame. I moved out in June 2009. She stayed in the house, with me paying the mortgage as well as a flat nearby so I could see the kids. It worked fairly well. I saw them every other weekend, and during the week as well. The break happened when in January 2010 she moved to Eichstätt, north of Ingolstadt. Funnily enough exactly the same distance away from her workplace as before – but far enough away as to make things difficult for me. The first letter from her lawyers arrived in January that year, where she was ‘allowing me to ring’ the children twice a month.

This was the start, and it has been going downhill from thereon in.

I remarried in 2015, and have been with my new wife and her son Felix (now 8) for three years now. I am happy, but I still miss the contact with my own children terribly. I feel as do all excluded parents, as if there is something missing in my soul.

I never wanted to take the children away from her, all I wanted was a regular access every two to three weeks. What she has orchestrated was so unnecessary for all of us, and her acts of abuse will remain with myself and my children for the rest of our lives.

© lost dad 2017