Choosing the right lawyer

This is potentially one of the most important decisions that you will make if custody becomes contested or access starts being violated.

I cannot stress this more strongly. 

I, unfortunately, went on a recommendation and landed a lawyer that just reacted. We cannot in the main expect lawyers to be pro-active, after all, they have other clients. But I now expect a lawyer to be pro-active in so far as they suggest different courses of action leading to a pre-defined and agreed goal.

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One of my favorite films

The-Day-the-Earth-Caught-Fire-17448_1I have just finished watching one of my favourite films. “The Day the Earth Caught Fire” about when the effects of two nuclear weapons tests result in the Earth being pushed slowly towards the sun.

In the film there is a not insignificant scene where one of the reporters of the Daily Express meets up with his ex-wife and his child. The impression given is that the mother, in this case, is ‘allowing’ him to see his child. A similar situation to some custody situations now.

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If you tell a lie often enough …

A lie told often enough becomes the truth

Lenin, Marxist revolutionary (1870-1924)

A very interesting quote is it not?  And what has it got to do with parental alienation?

Well – everything really.

Parental alienation works by giving the children the impression that the absent parent is ‘bad’, and to that end any tricks and/or lies are acceptable.

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Just putting my tin-foil hat on – finding abuse everywhere

I have just got the school report card from my youngest (13). German law requires that I get this along with a report on how the children are doing. My ex-wife has managed to distill this down to a few legally acceptable lines, as I have reported before!

What is interesting are the marks for English and French. Just a quick reminder: I live in Germany, my Ex-wife is German, and never had any interest in speaking English, only French. Until the final break with the children, I always spoke English to them.

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Parental Alienation: Baiting and Bashing (includes some trains)!

Just a quick post on this pic/statement that appeared on my twitter feed today.


It is hard to believe that when one is behaving properly, correctly, in control, and holding the moral high ground of somebody that is essentially the victim, that they themselves can become the ‘aggressor’.

Let’s take a practical example out of my past experiences.

I finally got my court order changed to be able to pick up my boys and take them to Munich from Saturday to Sunday the first overnight stay for a year. Just over an hour with the direct train. But there was a problem. My Ex wanted me to go from a smaller station (Eichstätt-Stadt) that feeds into a larger mainline station (Eichstätt-Bahnhof) which would increase the journey by 40 minutes, and even longer for me because to arrive at the scheduled time I would be bound by the times of the train service to the smaller station and arrive 50 minutes before I was due to pick up the kids.

The judge agreed on the transfer point being the mainline station, which is around about the same journey time by car from their house as the other station. i.e. I was not asking them to go out of their way.

Sorry about the long-winded start, but here we go – what happens on the day?  I turn up on time at the court-ordered location – the mainline station.  She isn’t there. Knowing her now I sense what has happened and just wait. Sure enough, she turns up on the slow train from the other station that connects with the mainline service. She gets out with the children and starts raising her voice very loudly at me immediately, in front of at least three dozen other passengers and my children. I remain calm. She escalates, starts shouting and starts to look around for support. I could see the “you bastard” or similar looks in some people’s eyes. She starts talking about additional expenses of the tickets (< €4), anything to keep the situation going. The boys go off to sit and wait and I try to extricate myself, and finally manage it because I didn’t engage with her, and I certainly did not argue the toss.

So now read the graphic again please, and what have we:

  • She managed to make me the villain in the piece even though I followed the court order to the letter.
  • She made my children think that it as well.
  • She turned herself into the victim.
  • Any chance of me being believed in such a context is around zero.

It was her way of saying ‘I do not agree with you taking the kids to Munich (100km) away, you should still visit them here in Eichstätt (Pop. 14,000) and spend just a couple of hours in a coffee shop somewhere instead of quality time with your father at his home’.

There were desserts as well. On bringing them back the mainline train was a whole – wait for it – drumroll please – five minutes late. I sent her a text and she and her boyfriend were waiting. Cue scene and shouting. Demonstrably going to the timetable to see when the train should have arrived, and if I was late there would be trouble. Again the kids were witnessing all of this, as well as her ‘man’ who lamely said ‘We can check on the internet when we get home’.

This was the first time in over a year of lawyers and judges to be able to get the children to visit me in Munich. We had a great time, the memory of which was destroyed in seconds – coincidence?

An exchange of lawyers letters ensued and she yet again managed to circumvent a court order causing me to get a train an hour early just to be at the smaller station in time and causing the children an extra half an hour travelling to Munich. It also meant reducing the time with the children by an hour on the return journey. The effect being not only extending the journey time unnecessarily, but also laying the seeds for it being tedious to go and visit Daddy every time, and the journey is so long and boring, and there are better things to do with your time …

Learning to raise your voice can sometimes have the desired effect regardless of content – unfortunately.

Sorry about all the railway talk (takes off anorak sheepishly).

© 2017 lostdad – all rights reserved

Parental Alienation is more than just child abuse

Last week the chair of Fathers for Justice published an excellent post entitled Parental Alienation is Child Abuse. I say excellent because it provided an understandable overview of what exactly parental alienation is and also how it should be classed as child abuse.

Children are alienated through the abusive conduct of the primary carer who deliberately and cynically attempts to alienate the child in order to deny the other parent contact.

Additionally, the article detailed how in the past actually mentioning or even alluding to ‘parental alienation’ caused that parent to be ‘shot down’ in the courts. Luckily this is now starting to change with the first debate in parliament on parental alienation led by Simon Danczuk on the 15th March this year. Though as Mr Danczuk has been banned for standing under the Labour party banner in the general election this year let’s see if this was a one-shot wonder.

These are all positive developments, PA is starting to become recognised both in the legal system – importantly in the lower courts, and is also becoming known to larger parts of the general public. But I would like to go further.

Parental Alienation is not only child abuse – it is the abuse of the absent parent.

Let’s take a simple case. I was walking through Munich city centre at the weekend with my new wife and my eight-year-old step-son. I passed the Apple store just off Marienplatz, and then it happened as these things always do – I started to think about my children who loved going to the Apple store, or the ‘Daddy Toy Store’ as they called it.  I didn’t cry or have a breakdown, but I did ‘zone out’. I started to think about the children I cannot see, that do not want to see me because of PA. I thought of the good times, what they might be doing now, the memories came flooding back. My wife knows when this happens as I invariably become very quiet, and she gives me a big hug to bring me out. In today’s parlance, I believe what happened is that I was triggered.  I get over it, and I carry on with my new life.

What my ex-partner has done, the situation she has created is abuse – she is emotionally abusing me, and using my only blood relatives as weapons. What she has done has had a profoundly negative effect on not just the life of my children now and in the future, but on my current and future life. This is not right, and for this crime, she will not have to serve time, or even be fined – it is all passively sanctioned by the state.

It is time this type of abuse was recognised, and that steps are taken to stop it.

I am one of the ‘lucky’ ones – I have built up a new life, with new loved ones. But what about those that unfortunately cannot for whatever reason? They are destined to live in a semi-permanent state of being abused, where for some there may only be the ultimate exit.

I still keep hoping that these problems will become known and that they will eventually be addressed. More has happened this year than in any other, and perhaps there will be a time where PA and abuse to children and absent parents will be regarded as what it should be – morally repugnant and simply not done in a civilised society.

Here is the original article – please take the time to have a read.


© 2017 lostdad – all rights reserved