A lie told often enough becomes the truth
Lenin, Marxist revolutionary (1870-1924)
A very interesting quote is it not? And what has it got to do with parental alienation?
Well – everything really.
Parental alienation works by giving the children the impression that the absent parent is ‘bad’, and to that end any tricks and/or lies are acceptable.
In my case as soon as I had taken my ex-wife to court about access rights the helper industry got involved. By this I mean:
- Courts & a Judge
- Jugendamt (Social Services)
- Supporting Agencies acting for the Jugendamt
And for the parent holding custody to ‘win’, a negative image of the absent parent must be created and kept alive in all these areas.
So what do I mean by this? Here’s a non-exhaustive list:
- The classic example: Domestic violence (alleged or real)
- A specific incident
- A made up negative character attribute
The classic example is, of course, domestic violence. If it is true then in whatever form it occurred, it will always be mentioned. It will have a half-life longer than plutonium. If it is a false allegation then call it out, and keep calling it out – ask for proof, dates, details. Liars cannot provide details when it has been made up.
A specific incident is a bit trickier depending on the gravity of the incident. I knew a young mother once that ‘ran away’ from her child for a day when her husband told her he was leaving her. Even though the child was with the father and perfectly ok, this ‘desertion’ was brought up at every court case and used against her. In my case once when I was looking after my children shortly after I had moved out. I woke up with a bad case of flu, the children noticed this, and used it to refuse to go to school and kindergarten. I simply could not persuade them. So I rang my ex-wife who picked them up and then every time in court in legal communications, or in front of officials she mentioned this heinous crime, as an example that I am not a responsible parent. It was of course so heinous that she brought me something to eat later on in the afternoon as I looked so bad! My life is full of such incidents, even using the fact that when I was playing with the boys, my glasses got broken! Everything sounds negative with the right emphasis I suppose!
Made up character attributes lie in the private life of the absent parent. Let’s make up an allegation that alludes to their life not being a fit place for young children (Drugs, violence, too many sexual partners etc. etc.) An excellent example at the moment is Uma Thurman, and the drug abuse allegations of her husband. I also had to deal with something similar at every chat with social services until I split up with the girlfriend in question – “You are going through a life change at the moment”. Sounds innocuous, but there is a lot of negative between the lines. It might have had something to do with the fact my then girlfriend had a darker skin complexion than most, it certainly ignored the fact that she had two boys who got on famously with my boys. I called it out every single time, because it was so bloody obvious, and the woman from social services understood my ex-wife’s silence.
All parents screw up sometimes, in some way shape or form. My Ex-sister-in-law lost her daughter in a crowded Ulm city centre on a Saturday when she was eight. Is she a bad parent because of it – no, but if she did it every weekend, then definitely yes. An isolated incident should not be considered proof that one is irresponsible and should not be allowed to be in charge of their own children.
Call out false allegations when you can. And if they are in written form, write back accordingly and retain the moral high ground – i.e. no swearing or otherwise. If they are just ignored then these allegations will keep coming back, and remember your children might be reading these written exchanges sometime in the future.
I wrote this before a high profile case in the UK recently, where sexual abuse was alleged. This is of course not manageable in the context described above. This has to be dealt with by professionals, and the fallout is dreadful for both the parent against whom the allegations are raised and of course the children – who can they trust afterwards. The two people they should be able to trust above all others are tainted Check out the links below for more details on the damage that can be done.
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