Author / lostdad

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Posts by lostdad

I'm a lost dad - A survivor. For years I have had to witness the continuing alienation of my boys from me. Several visits to court tried to stop the situation but in the end my own boys believed everything they heard at home and refused to see me any more. Parental alienation exists, is real and is abuse - both for the children and the non-residental parent.
by lostdad

The first summer

Even though I had split up from my wife I was happy it was over, and was enjoying deepening my relationship with my children without her influence.

I had planned to take them to the UK, show them the land of their father, but of course my wife put a dampener on that by not letting me know exactly when I would have the children. In the end I had them for two weeks and enjoyed every minute of it. It was a wonderful summer as far as the weather was concerned, and we spent quite a bit of time outside in the garden, or at the Spielplatz nearby. I wanted to have them for the full two weeks, but Iris decided that it would be “Too much for me”, and she took them “for me” on the middle weekend. Another lie, they went to her lover’s flat for the weekend! This was the time that Jonathan refused to go back to his mother after a visit. It broke my heart to effectively force him to go back to his mother.

We did eventually get abroad though – Austria!

We took the train from Munich to Salzburg and spent the day there. Some of my initial ideas for going to another country – to show them that other languages are spoken outside of Germany, and that learning English is a good idea, were taken on in a small way in that Raffi was asking me what language they speak in Salzburg – He understood it was a heavy dialect was after that. I remember they were also enthralled by the fact that the buses in Salzburg were powered by overhead pylons, and we also enjoyed the visit to the castle and especially the ride down from the castle on the funicular railway.

Having a meal at the end of the day, I said I was sad that we couldn’t go fly to England, Raffi mentioned “Mami doesn’t want us to fly anywhere with you“. Looking back on this as I write I should have become aware of what she was planning a damn sight earlier.

This also took on additional context as she later accused me  in front of the Judge of wanting to kidnap my children to somewhere they would never be found – The United Kingdom, home of the CCTV!

Parental Alienation starts earlier than you can possibly imagine – it doesn’t even have a name at this stage!

 

© 2017 lostdad, all rights reserved

by lostdad

‘I witnessed abominable prejudice and abuse in the family courts. I had to keep fighting for my kids’

Here’s a excellent real-life story from Ireland showing how quickly everything can go wrong through no fault of the abused parent.

This story however did have a “happy end”. He was able to see his children again.

 

 

via ‘I witnessed abominable prejudice and abuse in the family courts. I had to keep fighting for my kids’

by lostdad

Living alone with a visit from ‘Superwoman’

 

Finding a new flat was a dreadful experience. A single man nearing 50 years old looking at flats along with people in their 30s. The looks I got. Nevertheless I found a small flat (50m2) about 5 minutes drive from my old house.

I managed to furnish it with some furniture that I had inherited from my Aunt, some garden furniture, a very small TV from the house (we had two, but she wanted it back after a while!), an old mattress, my PC and the plates and cutlery from my bachelor days that me kept for barbeques. In addition she picked out some towels and sheets for me. I let her keep everything else. When she eventually moved out I asked her for one of the sofas and she kept the rest.

It only had one bedroom so when the children came I slept in the living room. Luckily I profited from the authoritarian regime of my still wife, and there was no real problem putting the boys to bed (7 & 5). Though I learnt quickly to put them to bed at different times, otherwise they would chat together too long.

Jonathan at this time was having a hard time of the split. We were always very close, and it hurt me to see him suffering this way. He used to wake up in the middle of the night and creep into my ‘bed’ (blow-up mattress). I stopped this after a while as it wasn’t good for him, and also with his restless legs I couldn’t get a wink of sleep!  Nevertheless, when he came I gave him a hug and a cuddle before taking him back to his own bed. Raffi was still only 5 and really had not really grasped what was going on.

The boys were with me every other weekend, and during the week on a regular basis,  they enjoyed it. I still took them to their favourite play areas, on day trips (especially the Salzbergwerk in Austria, where they dressed up as little miners before taking the trip down into the salt mines), and also just chilling in the garden.

After a while I thought it might be a good idea to get a bunk bed for the boys. I always regarded the flat as a temporary measure, so having a bunk bed in my bedroom didn’t pose a problem. I asked my wife if I could borrow the Zafira to go and buy the bed. She refused but offered to buy the bed on my behalf, as long as she got the money. Strange I thought. As if I would ‘steal’ my own car. But as I found out her lover was going through a very bad divorce – could he be responsible for the excessive lack of trust?

Anyway, she toddled off and bought the bunk bed at IKEA, and I got a phone call while I was out in the garden with the children that she was at the front of the house with the bed. The children wanted to see her, so we all went out to the front of the house to meet her.

She wasn’t there.

Instead there was an IKEA flat pack bunk bed in perfect condition on the pavement. Yes in the middle of the bloody pavement.

We looked for her but she was gone, what do we do now I thought?  I tried to drag the package but failed miserably. No wonder, according to the IKEA web-site it weighs around 60kg. So I asked the boys to help, we opened the package and brought the bits in piece by piece until the flat pack was light enough to move. The boys loved the action, especially as it was their bed. I was somewhat p****d off, especially after the fourth person had passed by giving me a dirty stare because I had the effrontery to block his way.

I rang her and asked what the hell was going on, she said she managed it all by herself without scuffing the packaging – The first of many lies I was to hear.  For a while thereafter I started calling her ‘Superwoman’ – I don’t think she got the sarcasm.

Loss of empathy is an important part of parental alienation. Be aware when it happens.

 

© lostdad 2017, all rights reserved

 

by lostdad

False accusations

When the decision is made to split it can be amicable, or not.

It is not uncommon that one party makes false accusations about the other. In my case, as with other fathers this happened as well. Even as we had three long months together before I had my own flat. I found out what she was saying, and more’s the point what she is still saying in front of my children.

All of a sudden I had turned overnight into a violent alcoholic that beats his wife and even found time to be a serial adulterer. It was so unbelievable that even my then mother-in-law rang me to say she didn’t believe any of it. Most people thankfully didn’t.

So, let’s pick the allegations apart then, just for the record: Nobody had even seen me drunk apart from at my stag night (and perhaps a couple of Oktoberfest visits – I do live in Munich after all), and Karola (her still best friend and my ‘informant’) supported me in our circle of friends and colleagues by saying that my wife had never mentioned that I was violent. And finally to be frank  a balding glasses wearing lanky git from the North-West of England with ears that would make Prince Charles nod in approval is not going to land the girls is he now!

In fact the allegations bordered on the incredulous when I was actually being blamed for the fact that she had an affair. An interesting if not uncommon form of argumentation that supports the narrative that the failure of the marriage was the fault of the person who was not unfaithful. She had to do it to break out! And this becomes part of the history passed onto the children, instead of what it was: a marriage about to break down due to ‘irreconcilable differences’, with no real ‘blame’ on either side.

The point here is that this is the point in a relationship that when the common friends make a decision. No matter how ludicrous the allegations are. This choice will also affect the children, and the evolving narrative of the soon to be ex-wife. For instance, when I picked my children up for a weekend years later they told me that Wolfgang and Anke had been visiting my ex-wife immediately prior to my arrival. I asked why they didn’t stay to say hello. I was told by my children “They don’t want to see you”. Naturally an understandable choice on their part of course, but nevertheless a point that they probably didn’t make to the children, but to the mother who gladly passed it on to the children thus supporting her overall narrative of: “Your father is not a good person”.

I had to see that some people I cared for believe these lies, and accept that there is nothing I could really do to change their minds – blood is really thicker than water! But the fact that they would also be (mis)used for the alienation process was something I did not see coming. Two (Klaus and Marianne) even pretended to still be friends in order to pass information back to my wife. But I shouldn’t really complain – My wife’s best friend came over to the ‘dark side’ and saved me from doing something stupid and quite literally acted as a telephone hotline in times of distress for years afterwards.

You will lose some friends, but ask yourself if they really were friends anyway? And no matter what you do, you will not be able to stop your children hearing these lies. The only way to reduce or cancel their effect is to be yourself when you are with your children, so they cannot believe these lies. The problem, of course is when your access is restricted or blocked. Then the children have only one source of information and that is against you.

Welcome to a modern day variant of  Orwell’s ‘Big Brother’.

 

© lostdad 2017, all rights reserved

by lostdad

Telling the Children

 

Any text you read about how to tell the children about the impending split requires that it be handled gently, absolutely no bombshells, and that the introduction of new partners should not happen too suddenly.

Guess what happened.

We were in the conservatory when she asked the children to come in and said simply that I will be moving out – no real reason given that the children (7 & 5) could understand and that was it. No discussion between the parents beforehand – quite simply a bombshell. The children were, of course shocked and quite disturbed. They started to cry because they thought that they would never see me again. I managed to calm them down by saying that I was not moving out immediately and that I would still be in the area. There was no discussion between us beforehand – she decided unilaterally when and how.

Phasing in the future step-father was also too bloody quick. I heard from the children as soon as I moved out that he started to stay in the house as soon as I had moved out. And that the children were required to go into the bedroom and do the ‘wake up the parents’ game in the morning.

You might think this is just bad feelings on my part, but there are ways of doing things to protect the feelings of the children. It also was an indication of how quickly she was trying to replace me. Looking back I should have been more pro-active and discussed the how and when with her. Don’t make the same mistake.

I remember having a steaming argument about the children’s feelings with her when the children were at school – water off a duck’s back. Anyway when she started to provoke me I just left the house.

© lostdad 2017

 

 

by lostdad

Is the Guardian (UK) against fathers?

I read several articles at the weekend – the weekend where the inauguration of President Trump took place. But the bias of Guardian newspaper with respect to fathers prompted me to write this post.

I try to make my blog as gender neutral as possible. Parental alienation happens to fathers and mothers. I also try to keep on topic, i.e. leave the wider issue of fathers and men’s rights to others more passionate about them.

In the case of the guardian article:  UK judges change court rules on child contact for violent fathers. I am willing to make an exception.

Lets look at the title ‘… for violent fathers’. From the word go demonising fathers, when the correct title should actually have been ‘UK Judges change court rules on child contact for violent parents‘ (my emphasis).

If you actually take the trouble to read the direction here you will find out that it is in fact gender neutral. There is only one place where gender is specially called out and that is on page 8: “and the safety and well-being of women and children would be far better protected”.  Which is in fact a quote from the All Party Parliamentary Group, whose deliberations where used as input to this report, not the report recommendations themselves.

In fact Polly Neate, director of Women’s Aid, a contributor to the report was quoted in the article:

There should never be a presumption of contact where one parent is known to be a perpetrator of domestic abuse, as is made clear today.

Which is a sensible direction, and again gender neutral.  

Though all of this should be taken hand-in-hand with another recommendation, reported separately by the guardian, namely:

The judge or lay justices must not permit an unrepresented alleged abuser to cross-examine or otherwise directly question the alleged victim, and must not require an unrepresented alleged victim to cross-examine or otherwise directly question the alleged abuser.

, Victims of violence are likely to find direct cross-examination by their alleged abuser frightening and intimidating, and thus it may be particularly appropriate for tThe judge or lay justices may to conduct the questioning on behalf of the other party in these circumstances, in order to ensure both parties are able to give their best evidence

Which appears to take away the right of cross-examination for alleged abuser should he not be legally represented, and place it in the hands of the judge!

Domestic violence is also perpetrated by mothers, and both mothers and fathers are capable of making false accusations of domestic violence with the aim of denying the other parent access to the children. The application of this direction, I hope, will reflect this. Nevertheless the bias of this article is shameless.

Moving on.

This also appeared in the Guardian this weekend. Again the title is a teaser for more (i.e. clickbait): What I’m really thinking: the depressed new dad. What is more telling is the subtitle “I’d never want to hurt you, son, but I was terrified by the thoughts I had“. The anonymous piece goes on to detail the depression (clinical or otherwise) that we have all gone through when the children are young, and require 24/7 support.  Here’s the quote that got me, and it is somehow presented as being normal:

It came to a head one night, when your mother found me in tears beside your cot. I’d never want to hurt you, but I was terrified by the thoughts I had. I’m doing the best I can for you, and I’ve gone and got the help I desperately need.

I never had these thoughts, in common with practically most parents.  Nevertheless, a major national newspaper is representing these thoughts as being something new fathers go through. I was shocked.

This as well:

A letter to … My estranged daughter, who doesn’t want to talk to me. A father’s letter explaining to an estranged daughter why he ran away – The subliminal message here being he was a deadbeat dad, who ran away and left the mother high and dry – Let’s demonise fathers again.  I read the guardian regularly, and never see a “Letter my son” detailing the effects of a father crippled by the effects parental alienation.

And finally today:

Should I abandon my son to my alcoholic husband?  Which although detailing a specific case is, in general a gender neutral issue. Both mothers and fathers fall prey to alcohol abuse, and associated domestic violence, but again the emphasis here is again on men.

I fear there will be no progress in fathers rights when respected mainstream media with an international reputation and presence are reporting against fathers with such a direct and also subliminal bias against fathers.

Is the Guardian biased and against fathers?  Read it yourself for a while to find out, I’m convinced.

 

© lostdad 2017

by lostdad

What did you do wrong?

As soon as parental alienation ‘takes hold’, and you start talking about it, sooner or later somebody – perhaps someone new to your group of friends, or even an old friend you have reconnected with will ask you this question – “What did you do wrong?”

The answer is of course in most cases simple – nothing. But what do you say to actually bring this across?

This happened, and still happens to me every now and then. The person asking usually falls into two camps:

  1. sceptical, and will listen with a view to changing their mind, or
  2. is convinced that you did something to deserve this abuse

Lets take the first case. I have noticed that the majority of people who have an open mind or have had some experience of PAS: either personally, in their circle of friends, or professionally. A good example was Silke a close friend of mine. I have known her the best part of 30 years, though we only reconnected around 5 years ago. She was quite sceptical to my story at the start, but thanks to the fact that my ex-wife used tricks instead of simply blocking, and that Silke was actually there when one trick ‘arrived’ per email (More in a later story) she started slowly to believe that my ex-wife was the source of the problem. It also helped that I was able to explain how the tricks functioned without recourse to insulting my ex-wife with the help of lots and lots of naughty words. A main factor was also the fact that she is a secondary school teacher, and told me that she has heard quite a few cases of PAS in her career. I personally think the key is to focus on the tricks, rather than the big picture.

The second case is a little bit of a problem and needs to be dealt with very carefully. A lot of people are not aware PAS even exists, and cannot comprehend that a parent would do something like that, or more importantly that a child is capable of being brainwashed to such an extent that they can deny one of the own parents. I have had this conversation so often, and always left it with the feeling that that person doesn’t trust me as far as they could throw me (I have put on some weight – but the the answer is still not too far!). I have come to the conclusion several years down the line that it is a sensible approach to assess someone before you bring PAS and estranged children into the conversation.

So the takeaway here is – be careful of who you tell your story to. Even those that like you need time to process it. Others will not even try.

It is also worth bearing in mind that even I took a while to see this all for what it was – emotional abuse directed against my children and myself. For those with no direct experience, this is sometimes a paradigm shift too far!

A last point (promise) is that I personally feel that for those of us that have lost contact with our children through no fault of own should tell their story. Only when enough people are telling their experiences, and bringing PAS into the public view will this dreadful crime (it isn’t anything else) gain the visibility it needs to be discussed in the public arena and for something to be done about it.

 

© lostdad 2017